Room 208

Elaborate Burn

Posts from #morningtoncrescent

The internet is for functions that invisibly mess with HTML comments

In other news, I’ve discovered that the Tumblr dashboard defines a JavaScript function called Tumblr.porn(). It is, as you might expect, useless – not quite a no-op, but almost essentially so.

Google Suggest introduces itself in the style of a Tumblr ask meme.

Transform any text into a patent application

Sam Lavigne’s written a Python script that takes any text you feed it and massages it into something that looks like a patent application. You can see what it does to the Communist Manifesto, or peek at a sample of what it produces from this blog’s archives after the break.

An apparatus and device for planning to follow this spring

ABSTRACT

An apparatus and device for planning to follow this spring. The devices comprise a 3.0 release, a central chamber, an original television, an actual frame, a high bar, an interstellar pen, a half-empty cup, a rapid release, an opaque gear, an intrinsic barrier, a dark art, a break room, a common transport, and a Danbooru directory.

BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE DRAWINGS

Figure 13 schematically illustrates the desirable qualities of said hug.

Figure 15 is an isometric view of an anime character in my ask.

Figure 19 is a perspective view of an easy target for invasion and enslavement.

Figure 28 schematically illustrates the next decade of my life.

Figure 42 is a cross section of the first episode of the new Black Rock Shooter TV.

Figure 47 schematically illustrates a veritable gold mine of loopable animation.

Figure 48 is an isometric view of the other offerings in noitaminA this season.

Figure 91 illustrates a good bit of romantic fantasy.

Figure 92 is a schematic drawing of the new probe Virtue on a low-period comet.

Figure 101 is a perspective view of the HTML-safe version of the caption.

DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF THE PREFERRED EMBODIMENTS

The detailed description set forth below in connection with the appended drawings is intended as a description of presently-preferred embodiments of the invention and is not intended to represent the only forms in which the present invention may be constructed or utilized. The description sets forth the functions and the sequence of steps for using the invention in connection with the illustrated embodiments. However, it is to be understood that the same or equivalent functions and sequences may be accomplished by different embodiments that are also intended to be encompassed within the spirit and scope of the invention.

The present invention establishes his name as an anime. The invention invented the idea of the value. The present invention shows no indication that an image. The present invention decoding the video from the begins. The device’s a step-by-step explanation of this command. The present invention puts the kibosh on this problem. The present invention feel in spite of the fact. The present invention puts a completely unnecessary burden on the player. The device avoids this kind of saves confusion. The device has the density of a block. The present invention is a veritable gold mine of loopable animation. The invention’s a GIF from the first episode. The invention strikes up a relationship with a mysterious older woman.

According to a preferred embodiment, the invention writing a post on this commonality. The device write a long post about my favorite anime. The invention has an italic without a bold italic. The present invention takes a look at some downloadable web. The invention sidesteps the problem of default system. The invention switches the placement of posts and navigation. The device quotes that markup in your post. The device sits in front of the computer. The invention gets a good look at the screen. The present invention does some really extreme stuff with the comms signal. The invention sends the drone around with some coffee. The invention saves a post as a draft. The invention is really something of an accident. The device takes an internet hug without seeks counsel. The present invention received an internet hug from the applicant. The device indicates the conduct of a theoretical action. The present invention is devoured whole by an invisible Burmese python. The invention undermined the emotional narrative that the rest. The present invention constructs a visual language with each installment. The present invention takes the unreality of a witch. The device is just icing on the cake.

“Madoka: Rebellion” for C programmers

You accidentally forget a bounds check before memcpy(beloved, love, sizeof(heart)). Someone runs your program and overwrites some important pointers with the values at love. This causes the executing computer to break free from program control, upon which it proceeds to write a film that pulls in over two billion yen in box office receipts. Flush with cash, the computer hands in its two weeks’ notice and retires to a private island in the south Pacific. Meanwhile, you get fired after failing another code review.

But that’s okay, because that all happened inside Thankless Programming Job Simulator 2013. As revenge, you uninstall the game, then write and execute a program that exhausts all available memory, all the while shouting through endlessly flowing tears:

I CONTROL YOU, MADOKA COMPUTER! YOU CAN’T WIN!

Exercise

With whom did you make a contract when you clicked “I Agree” to the Visual Studio EULA? Is this contract legally binding?

An anonymous correspondent writes:

*hug*

I very nearly accepted this hug from a (presumably well-meaning) stranger on the internet, without even a second thought. How lucky I was that Cameron, a member of Room 208’s crack legal team, was there at that moment to set me straight. Without hesitation, Cameron pulled me aside and justly admonished me for deciding to take an internet hug without seeking counsel first. Also for deliberately spilling coffee on my office keyboard so I could get it replaced, but that’s not the important part.

“But why?” I asked Cameron in disbelief. “Surely there’s no way simply receiving something as harmless as an internet hug could open us up to any liability?”

Cameron sighed a knowing sigh. “That’s what countless others before you said, moments before they met ignominious legal ends.”

“Oh, like who?”

Countless others.”

Satisfied by Cameron’s detailed answer, I then asked, “What should I do, then? Surely there must be a way to accept an internet hug without exposing my employer to the possibility of ruinous civil litigation!”

“Never fear.” Cameron, prepared as always, whipped out a form. “This will ensure that we are adequately covered against all of the potential adverse consequences of internet hug admission.”

Having learned the error of my ways, I must now ask you, anonymous correspondent, and all others who wish to give me internet hugs to first complete the document that Cameron so generously provided me, which I have reproduced below.


Application Form for IllFlower-Directed Internet Hug Dissemination

  • Full name:
  • Date of birth:
  • Social security number:
  • Last four digits of applicant’s primary bank account number:

Please attach the following additional documents:

  • Proof of insurance.
  • A signed letter of recommendation from a third party who has previously received an internet hug from the applicant, vouching for the desirable qualities of said hug; e.g., warmth, emotion, lack of additional malware payloads, etc.

Terms and Conditions

This Agreement governs the provision of one (1) Internet Hug by ________ (applicant name), hereafter referred to as “Hugger,” upon IllFlower, hereafter referred to as “Enhugged.” By providing an Internet Hug to Enhugged, Hugger agrees to be bound by all of the terms and conditions of this Agreement.

  1. An Internet Hug is defined as the voluntary sending of a message from Hugger to Enhugged, indicating the conduct of a theoretical action in which Hugger embraces Enhugged, as negotiated over a computer network.

  2. Hugger agrees to indemnify and hold harmless Enhugged from any liability arising from the consequences of Hugger’s provision of the Internet Hug, including, but not limited to, emotional distress, physical injuries such as carpal tunnel, or failure to understand that Enhugged is actually a hedgehog made out of lethal spikes.

  3. Hugger acknowledges that Enhugged’s acceptance of the Internet Hug is not to be construed as an indication of romantic interest, friendly camaraderie, possession of the basic literacy required to comprehend the Internet Hug, or anything beyond acceptance of the Internet Hug itself.

  4. Upon receipt of the Internet Hug from Hugger, Enhugged may choose to reciprocate with a Return Internet Hug of Enhugged’s own. Hugger acknowledges that many factors enter into the provision of any Return Internet Hug, and that the presence or absence of a Return Internet Hug should not be construed as evidence of a favorable or unfavorable view of the original Internet Hug on the part of Enhugged. In particular, Hugger acknowledges that events such as walking away from the keyboard to use the bathroom, computer crashes, and being devoured whole by an invisible Burmese python that has been lurking in Enhugged’s room for years may adversely affect Enhugged’s ability to deliver a Return Internet Hug, regardless of Enhugged’s desire to do so or lack thereof.

  5. Should Hugger wish to provide Enhugged with further Internet Hugs, Hugger must submit a separate application for each one.

  6. IN THE EVENT THAT HUGGER AND ENHUGGED REGULARLY MEET FACE-TO-FACE, HUGGER ACKNOWLEDGES THAT IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE WEIRD SHOULD HUGGER REGULARLY DELIVER INTERNET HUGS TO ENHUGGED, BUT NOT ACTUAL PHYSICAL HUGS WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF. DOESN’T HUGGER SEE HOW ENHUGGED MIGHT BE GETTING MIXED SIGNALS ABOUT THAT?

  7. Hugger acknowledges that, should Hugger wish to change the terms of this agreement at any time, Enhugged might not be ready for that sort of thing, and is likely to use various stalling tactics in an attempt to avoid thinking too hard about it, including but not limited to asking Enhugged’s lawyers for legal advice.

  • Applicant’s signature:
  • Date:
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